I was ready to begin sharing some of my reasons for resigning, but I've had an overwhelming feeling to share a few things first.
This journey is consuming every ounce of my being. I am sharing this blog for me and no one else; not even Ken. It's for me to begin the healing process to mend my broken heart and figure out what I actually do believe in spiritually. I have to relearn my entire belief system. I have to relearn who God really is. I have to erase the teachings I disagree with to try and figure out what I actually do believe. It does hurt me to think that some people feel this road has been easy for me or that I have made any of these decisions lightly. However, I cannot and will not try to control who reads my Journey Out of LDS. I cannot and will not try to control how anyone chooses to react to it. I also cannot and will not try to know what others are expecting to hear from my story. You should take what you wish to take from it just as I should get what I wish to get out of it. It is your decision whether or not you have chosen to read it. That is your journey how you choose to react to it. This is my journey. My story. My life.
For it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure. Do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life, so that I may rejoice in the day of Christ that I have not run in vain or labored in vain. Yes, and if I am being poured out as a drink offering on the sacrifice and service of your faith, I am glad and rejoice with you all. For the same reason you also be glad and rejoice with me. (NKJV)
I am certainly not sharing the way I feel about Mormons. I am sharing the way I feel about the Mormon church. I did not write the Mormon doctrines; I am just sharing how the doctrines were not working in my life. I will not bash Mormons. In general they are wonderful people who live worthy lives and they have been some of the best friends I have ever had. Your morals are desirable and I craved that during my journey into the church. Your dedication to your beliefs and to your church is admirable and I also craved that during my journey into the church. This is not about Mormons; it is about the Mormon church.
I am truly sorry if what I am sharing hurts anyone, but I cannot help that. If you honestly believe this has not hurt me, too, then you do not know me very well at all. If you honestly think I was not completely devastated to learn that the church is not true, then you are sadly mistaken. I am sorry that the truth hurts, but it has hurt me tremendously, too.
Something was wrong with me, no one else. I was incessantly beating myself up or trying to validate my decision to be a part of the church and my choice to stay in it. I wasn't going to the temple enough. I wasn't praying enough. I wasn't reading my scriptures enough. I wasn't enjoying my calling enough. I wasn't doing enough good works. I finally realized I was so tired of belonging to an organization that led me to beat myself up. I continued blaming myself for not being good enough until I decided to question what was causing me to feel this way towards myself. That is when I began questioning doctrines.
What do I believe? I have absolutely no idea. I am a lost soul looking for my path. I am putting my Faith in God, because I know He will show me the Way!