Friday, April 29, 2011


Wow, I certainly never imagined I would feel the need to explain this choice of mine.

The name Ken means strong and healthy. I have only known Ken for 13 years, but in that time I have come to know who he is and the type of man he is. These two words perfectly fit the man that he is, the man that God has Blessed me with. I love Ken SO incredibly much, and I thank God for him every second of every day. I would not be the woman I am today if it were not for Ken, who is the strongest and healthiest man I have ever known.

Side note:

I wholeheartedly admit that I am quite disappointed with a select few that have chosen to speak in an unloving way. On the other hand, the positive that has come out of my blog and my life is so worth every ounce of pain that I have felt. I am truly Blessed! This is my work and I will continue it...

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

What Now?

Well, due to some of the hate mail I am receiving, I have an inkling of some things that might be going around about why I resigned as I never had a chance to unbear my testimony. As many former Mormons do, I kept my decision quiet for many months and left quietly. I continued feeling that I was hiding who I really was or what I really do believe. I'm still searching for myself and my beliefs, but I pray that this blog will help you better understand me and my decision to resign. I need to be honest with myself, my friends, my family, and most importantly with Christ.

I left because I knew I was in the wrong place and would never be able to get to where I needed to be spiritually. I was SO hungry for a personal relationship with Christ. The LDS church was never able to help me achieve that relationship I so desperately wanted and needed. I could have never been this close to Christ if I had remained in the LDS church. Resigning is truly the best decision I have ever made for myself in my entire life, and I am so very grateful for what I have found outside of the church. I have found tremendous peace. I have found time for my husband and children. I have found myself having no more expectations of my husband and children. I have found myself no longer striving to reach impossible goals. Most importantly, I finally found what I was so hungry for and what I was missing for so many years. Not once did I receive a different answer to my prayers about resigning from the church. I am certain that the LDS church is not for me. I am certain that I made the right decision for me, because I do disagree with so many of the LDS teachings. I just don't make a good Mormon.

Some have asked why I feel the need to say they are wrong or I try to disprove their church. This is another reason for beginning this blog. I hope by reading my story, my friends will better understand my intentions. I am not trying to promote negativity or disharmony. I am simply sharing what I have been through and what I have learned. While I was a member I didn't realize what I was caught up in because I was so busy trying to do the right thing. There are a ton of support groups for ex-Mormons. And... ex-Mormon does not mean anti-Mormon. There are plenty of disgruntled ex-Mormons and anti-Mormons out there so there is no reason for me to be one of them. In no way whatsoever do I consider myself a Mormon basher. I never have and never will. I love my Mormon friends more than words can describe. Why would I bash something I believed to be true for so many years? I am getting lots of support from many groups, some in the DFW area and some on the internet. During my years as an extremely devout Mormon, I didn't understand why there were groups for ex-Mormons. Why did they even need that? This is the true church. Don't they understand? I never knew there was so much help out there until now, and now that I am a former Mormon, I completely understand. I am getting knowledge, research, questions, and answers that the LDS church never could give me. This is my support system. Hearing other former Mormon stories, or why someone has left, or how they found the truth, or how happy they are now, is so reassuring for me to hear. It gives me hope for myself, my family, and my friends.

I have been asked why I need these support groups. Well, I am unable to move on by keeping my journey bottled up inside. I am having an extremely difficult time trying to heal. Christ is finally at the top of my priority list, and it is very difficult for me to keep my newfound comfort, peace, security, hope, and happiness to myself. When the Holy Ghost led me to make the decision to resign from the church, it was much more than simply leaving the church. When I knew I had to resign, I was leaving my entire world. I was leaving my safe place. I was leaving my comfort zone. I was leaving the only religion my husband has ever known. I was leaving the only religion my in-laws have ever known. I was leaving more than 75% of my friends. I was leaving my entire life of the prior seven years. So in an endeavor to find who I really am again and what my spiritual beliefs really are, I do need a support system. I am unable to discuss my decision with Ken for reasons I will not disclose. I am unable to discuss my decision with my children as they are too young. I am unable to discuss my decision with my family as I was the only LDS member. I am unable to discuss my decision with my LDS friends, because they truly do not understand or they simply wish to persecute me.

This must be a little like a divorce. One day all of my friends are in my life and I see them several times a week. Then it's as if they all disappear. We have different beliefs; so what! Honestly, I felt alone.

Shockingly and sadly, the trend I have noticed in my journey out is that more often than not, it's the LDS who begin the debate or become hostile toward the Christians. Not vice versa. I have never ostracized anyone for telling me how right they are or that the LDS church is the one and only true church or how they could never imagine their life without the church or how wonderful conference was or how uplifting the prophet is or how amazing the primary program was or how much they love their current calling, I could go on and on. Don't think those things are offensive to me. You are simply stating what you believe to be true. That is your opinion. Allow me the same courtesy since you are claiming to be Christian.

Before I joined the LDS church, I had several people who loved me, but had never been members of the LDS church, tell me that it was not a true Biblical religion. Since they had never been a member, I knew they did not understand, so I did not believe them. If they knew what I knew about the church then they would believe, too. While I was a member, I never had a former Mormon explain to me why the LDS church was non-Biblical. Oh how I wish there would have been someone then to teach me what I know now, but HE has HIS reasons for that. No one ever told me why Joseph Smith could not have been a true prophet. Now that I do know the truth, what kind of a friend would I be if I did not share the truth in love? I do not want to be that former Mormon friend of yours that lets you die without sharing who the Biblical Christ is that saves us all from our sins. Because the bottom line is, we are all sinners.

Friends don't let friends die without knowing the Real Jesus who saves. ~Connie Cullum Raddon

My intent is to move on as best I can and learn to worship the Lord the way I feel necessary for me and not the way a church tells me I should. Trying to find my spiritual self has been difficult at times, but the support I have found has made this transition a little easier. The Holy Ghost is so much clearer than ever before. I have support in studying the Bible, praying, lifting others up, giving each other encouragement and advice, sharing stories in hopes to not have marriages end in divorce as many have, suggesting books to read to educate ourselves, researching contradictions between the Bible and the Book of Mormon, researching contradictions within the Book of Mormon itself, researching the ensign, etc. I never set out to disprove the LDS doctrines or put down the church. I set out to learn factual information to educate myself in order to become a better Christian and be who I need to be. The more I learn about the LDS church now that I am out, the more I realize how blessed I am that Christ helped me find my way out. It is so amazing what I have been able to learn since I have resigned from the church. I am a spiritual sponge!

There are so many former Mormons out there who are extremely angry; I have completed that stage. Many are now atheists. Some were on the verge of committing suicide. Some have had their marriage end in divorce because one chose to leave the LDS church. Many will never be able to trust another religion; I suppose I continue to fit into this category. These are all extremely delicate subjects, and I see a huge need for support for post Mormons.

During my journey I have found several reasons for leaving the LDS church. The last time I counted there were thirty reasons. I will be sharing some of those reasons in later posts. In no way is my blog an attempt to validate my decision. I already have validation that I have done what I need to do. It's only my story, nobody else's.

A wonderful friend reminded me that life is too short to let the good people pass by without trying to make a connection. Life is too stressful and at times hurtful to not try to lift others up along my own journey.

I pray that my friends will be able to see how happy I am now without the stress and expectations of the church controlling my life. I pray for them to have the same personal relationship with Christ that I have found outside the church.

In some respects I am also attempting to witness to Mormons. I would not wish the feelings I have had upon my worst enemy. I do not want anyone else to have to go through the trials I have gone through this past year. If I can help just one person through all of this, then I have done well. I am conquering the torment the enemy has poured onto my battered soul. Disagreeing with one's belief is not persecution. LDS missionaries come into non-Mormon homes and tell them that LDS is the only true church on the face of the earth. So why is it when LDS tell Christians they are wrong, that LDS are only doing their missionary work? Yet, when Christians tell LDS they are wrong, it suddenly becomes persecution, and the LDS are offended and claim that we are bashing them? Well, this is my mission to do Christ's work and show Mormons the true path to HIM. I am only sharing the Good News just as God has asked me to do.

The Holy Ghost revealed to me what I was searching for, and I can hear Him clearer than I ever have before. It's so wonderful and truly amazing how close I am to Christ since I have left the church. I want to share it with everyone that I love, because I want them to feel the peace, hope, love, and trust that I do! I don't have to pretend like I am happy and fulfilled and that my life is wonderful anymore, because now it truly is. I don't have to meet anyone's expectations other than Christ and I don't need to sing praises to anyone other than Him.

Mark 5:19 However, Jesus did not permit him, but said to him, "Go home to your friends, and tell them what great things the Lord has done for you, and how He has had compassion on you. (NKJV)

John 15:13-16 Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends. You are my friends if you do whatever I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you. You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in My name He may give you. (NKJV)

James 4:4 Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Whoever therefore wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. (NKJV)

Luke 15:9 And when she has found it, she calls her friends and neighbors together, saying, "Rejoice with me, for I have found the piece which I lost!" (NKJV)

Ephesians 6:10-11 Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. (NKJV)

Psalm 23 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; my cup runs over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the LORD Forever. (NKJV)

Just one question:

If the church were not true, would you want to know?

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The Way, The Truth, and The Life

So here I am trying to live the "perfect" LDS life, but sometimes I felt like I was just going through the motions because that's what good Mormons are supposed to do. I often felt so much pressure and I experienced so much unhappiness that it was causing a terrible struggle within my family. Thus began my journey for The Truth. I know that Jesus does not want us bickering amongst one another, fighting, or contention within His one true church. He loves us all so very much. How or why would He ever design the one true church that tears families apart?

Since I have battled with depression and anxiety since 2002, I decided it was time to face the truth, face my misery, and figure out what was going on. I knew something in my life was not right. I was done holding my feelings inside and pretending to be happy and fulfilled, but I was unable to pinpoint what was making me feel this way. I really began to soul search since something deep had to be going on. I incessantly thought about what could be the one constant in my life since 2002 that has made me miserable, exhausted, stressed, unhappy, anxious, and depressed. It's definitely not my family. They mean everything to me, and I love them all so much. It's not my career, seeing as I recently became a work from home mom. Yet I'm still miserable. Well, what in the world is wrong with me?

As I mentioned before, I turned to the LDS church more than I ever had before. I began reading church materials such as
  • History of the Church
  • History of Joseph Smith
  • Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith
  • Doctrines of Salvation by Joseph Fielding Smith
  • Mormon Doctrine by Bruce R. McConkie
  • Articles of Faith by James Talmage
  • Journal of Discourses
  • Church magazines
  • Talks and quotes from various church prophets
I'll just say I could not believe some of the things I was reading. How could I possibly disagree with so many teachings straight from the one true church? I became tremendously confused. Some of what I was reading straight from LDS material was contradictory to what I knew was in the Bible. My heart was breaking, and it felt as though I was dying inside.

1 Corinthians 14:33 For God is not the author of confusion but of peace, as in all the churches of the saints. (NKJV)

This is when I turned solely to the Bible to find the answers that I so desperately needed. I could not believe I was right. Most of what I was reading straight out of the Bible was completely contradicting what I had learned in the LDS church. I was desperately looking for the LDS doctrines to show up in the Bible. I could not believe what was happening. So many LDS teachings were nowhere in the Bible and I just kept turning page after page to find nothing. The truth is that I was unable to find several LDS tenets in the Bible. They just aren't there and that is a fact.

ALL of my answers are in the scriptures! Not the LDS scriptures, but exclusively the Bible!

John 5:39 You search the Scriptures, for in them you think you have eternal life; and these are they which testify of Me. (NKJV)

Acts 17:11 These were more fair-minded than those in Thessalonica, in that they received the word with all readiness, and searched the Scriptures daily to find out whether these things were so. (NKJV)

At this moment Jesus completely surrounded me. It's as if the whole world went black. I then had a spiritual connection with Christ unlike anything that I had ever felt before. He turned on the light for me and saved me! He opened my heart, mind, soul, and eyes. It was very clear that He was telling me the LDS church was confusing me. His answer was so clear that I cannot even explain it in words for anyone to understand. I felt so nervous I really had no idea what I was going to do next. When the Holy Ghost tells me to do something, I do it. But... How do I tell Ken? What do I do now? I was not looking to leave the LDS church. I was certainly not looking to find error with the LDS doctrines. Christ came looking for me. HE knew I was lost and that I needed HIM and only HIM.

I told Ken about my decision to resign from the church. This certainly did not go over well, but Christ saw us through. It was really bad timing on my part, and it was difficult for me to explain to him what was happening and that it wasn't my timing at all, but it was solely Christ. I told him that when the trek was over in June I was going to resign from the church. We were called as trek ma and pa, and I have always been one who follows through on my commitments.

The next day we discussed it further. Ken told me he understood how difficult it must have been for me to tell him my feelings. He was exactly right about that. He was not happy with my decision, but he would support me. He also explained to me that I should be released now, and I should not participate in the trek since I didn't believe in it. He was right again. I knew how excited he was to attend the trek, yet I also knew the youth needed someone else.

A very good friend recommended "One Nation Under Gods" by Richard Abanes, so I purchased it and began reading. It was extremely difficult to put down. I so desperately wanted answers, and I was finally getting them. Things were beginning to make complete sense. Everything was clearly black and white. There was absolutely no gray anymore. How peaceful this was for me! This book confirmed the horrible beliefs I was having about the LDS church. I later found out that some of my LDS friends have read this book and are still faithful in the LDS church. This is something I will never understand in this human life. Of course they tell me it is full of accusations or that it is taken out of context. Typical Mormon answers.... I know because these used to be my answers to the things I could not explain.

I met with the bishop to be released from all callings. This was so much easier than I had anticipated. I thought I would be nervous. Nope. I was 100% calm. I had many non LDS friends praying for me. He had a small discussion with me and of course, he was sad for me. He made sure I knew the LDS church had the keys to get into heaven. I just kept thinking --No it doesn't. Jesus has the keys to get into heaven.-- Anyway, he was only doing what he thought was right. I know he had the best intentions.

I continued my search for the Truth by researching, reading, studying, and praying. Nothing was confusing me anymore. Everything was so clear. In fact, it was clearer than it had ever been before. Not once did I waiver in my thoughts about the LDS church being false. I was 100% sure that I needed to resign and separate myself from the church. I knew it was time to make my life Christ centered instead of church centered. I know I have made the right decision, and I do not regret it one bit.

It was a very easy decision to mail my resignation letter to the bishop and church headquarters in Salt Lake City. What a wonderful feeling of being free. My life is about to change. Thank you, Jesus, for being my light and my life. Without You I would still be lost, confused, unhappy, depressed, and downright miserable. You are my Everything, my All in All. I am closer to You now than I ever have been before and it is so amazing! I never had that comfort as a Mormon. I know I had to go through all of this to get to where I am today, and I am so very grateful for that!


Sunday, April 17, 2011


I continued on my faithful journey. I was an extremely devout LDS member and was 100% firm in my decision that I was doing the right thing. My entire mind, heart, body, and spirit were completely devoted to the LDS church. At times I even went above and beyond what was "expected" of me. I willingly accepted all callings and did not question anything I was told by friends, church leaders, bishops, or prophets. I had so many amazing friends. That is what made it really easy to not question anything. All of these wonderful, intelligent people were firm believers who did not question the church, so I shouldn't either. This church has to be true. How could it be false? All these people are truly wonderful with happy, Christian lives, and we have so much in common. This is such a family oriented church.

Our children were born under the covenant which means they were automatically sealed to me and Ken. They were blessed as infants. Everything was just right. How wonderful! I was all set up to spend eternity in the celestial kingdom with my husband and children. Well, that is if we all obeyed and followed the structured LDS path to get there.

A very good friend found me in January 2010. He asked me how my life had been. When I answered with, "It's miserable," he asked if that had anything to do with the LDS church. Of course I immediately became defensive and said, "No. That has nothing to do with it. The church is the one stable thing in our life." Well, he casually told me that some very good friends of ours from college had left the LDS church a few years ago and have never been happier. I thought absolutely nothing of this conversation as leaving the church is forbidden and went on with my faithful and happy Mormon life.

Life continued as normal with me being a faithful member until I began to notice things I did not like. Adults were complaining, some were noticing preferential treatment between wards, others were sad about not having close relationships with their families, others felt it was hard to plan vacation time around the church and their callings. These conversations really got my mind thinking. I was disgusted and really frustrated. I kept thinking this is not what church should be about. The LDS church claims to be Christ and family oriented, yet it is becoming very clear to me that it is actually church oriented. The feeling of contention and negativity was very strong. It was so hard for me to believe what was happening, and the feeling struck me that I was uncomfortable being a part of this.

I had no idea what to do. We are instructed to not question anything, and we must push our doubts aside, because that is Satan attempting to lead us astray. We are not allowed to read anything about the church that is not positive and faith promoting. This basically means we cannot read anything about church or religion that is not written by a devout LDS member. Anything written by nonmembers or former members is not to be trusted. I thought I was imagining things, so I turned to the church more than ever before.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (NKJV)

I was so tired trying to do so many things by myself to please God. Now I am full of peace and joy knowing that I can do everything in Him!

Friday, April 8, 2011

Baptism and Temple

I was baptized into the LDS church against my family's wishes on 03/30/03. They did not understand that this was God's only true church restored to the earth. I just knew it was the right thing for me to do. I had no doubts that this was the church I wanted to be a part of. My family did not agree with my decision, but they still loved me the same. Today I realize they loved me even more now. Unbeknownst to my family, hubby (I'll call him Ken) and I were sealed in the Los Angeles Temple in June of 2004. His family was so happy for us.

What an interesting experience it was. I was so nervous on the inside. It was extremely overwhelming, and it didn't make a lot of sense. Some of it felt right, but other things felt completely wrong. I kept thinking to myself that this couldn't be real and it had to be some sort of a joke. It actually reminded me a little of my college sorority days. The ceremony as a whole completely took me by surprise, but I kept telling myself that everything was fine. This had to be normal because all of these normal, amazing people are secure with what's going on in here. They think nothing of the temple clothing, rituals, signs, and sayings. They aren't freaking out, so I must be overreacting. After all, my best friend and my mother-in-law were sitting right next to me and nothing was bothering them. So I just continued to convince myself that I was doing the right thing, and I would be so happy and truly blessed for doing what I am supposed to be doing. My church friends continued to tell me to keep going back more often. They told me that the more I attended the temple, the more I will understand it, and it will make sense some day. Well, "some day" never came. But what they had told me led to guilt. I always felt I was not attending often enough or I must not be doing something right. I continued convincing myself that it was just me feeling inadequate. I was positive I was doing something wrong. It was my fault.

I just knew that all of these things were the right choices:
being baptized into the LDS church,
being sealed in the LDS temple,
wearing my sacred garments every day,
paying tithing,
holding/fulfilling any calling I was asked to do,
attending primary,
Young Women,
Relief Society,
doing Personal Progress,
attending enrichment,
visiting teaching,
meeting after meeting,
activity after activity,
attending the temple and doing work for the dead.
I just knew everything I was being taught was true. It all made complete sense! Everything is finally perfect, and I am so happy and blessed to be a part of the one true church.

What I did not know at the time, nor was I taught within the LDS church...

God is Incomprehensible to man:

Psalms 147:5 "Great is our Lord, and mighty in power; His understanding is infinite." (NKJV)

Isaiah 40:28 "Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the LORD, The Creator of the ends of the earth, Neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable." (NKJV)

Yet the LDS church has HIM all figured out. It just makes sense, doesn't it? Well, it shouldn't because God is All Knowing. LDS try to make God comprehensible. They try to be sure that everything makes complete sense. I don't understand why they try so hard to comprehend God. I don't understand why they spend so much time and energy trying to comprehend what is incomprehensible to humans.

Secret rituals are forbidden:

Luke 8:17 "For nothing is secret that will not be revealed, nor anything hidden that will not be known and come to light." (NKJV)

Acts 17:24 "God, who made the world and everything in it, since He is Lord of heaven and earth, does not dwell in temples made with hands." (NKJV)

Genealogies are foolish and vain:

1 Timothy 1:4 "nor give heed to fables and endless genealogies, which cause disputes rather than godly edification which is in faith." (NKJV)

Titus 3:9 "But avoid foolish disputes, genealogies, contentions, and strivings about the law; for they are unprofitable and useless." (NKJV)

Well, the secret is out that everything said, done, or heard within the LDS temple stays in the temple, and the majority of that is genealogy work.

 Baptism is not needed to be saved:

John 6:28 Then they said to Him, "What shall we do, that we may work the works of God?" (NKJV)
*This is a question that people oftentimes ask when they become conscious of the spiritual dimension. But what can I do to do the works of God? We remember the rich young ruler that came and fell before Jesus and said, "What good thing must I do to inherit the Kingdom of Heaven? Good Master, what shall I do?" And I'm always looking for some work that I might do for God.

John 6:29 Jesus answered [in a paradox,] and said to them, This is the work of God, that you might believe in Him whom He sent." (NKJV)
*Isn't that interesting? What work can you do to be pleasing to God? The only work you can do is just believe in Jesus. That's what pleases the Father. This is the work of God, that you believe in Him whom He hath sent.

*Chuck Smith

Romans 4:5 But to him who does not work but believes on Him who justifies the ungodly, his faith is accounted for righteousness, (NKJV)