Since I have battled with depression and anxiety since 2002, I decided it was time to face the truth, face my misery, and figure out what was going on. I knew something in my life was not right. I was done holding my feelings inside and pretending to be happy and fulfilled, but I was unable to pinpoint what was making me feel this way. I really began to soul search since something deep had to be going on. I incessantly thought about what could be the one constant in my life since 2002 that has made me miserable, exhausted, stressed, unhappy, anxious, and depressed. It's definitely not my family. They mean everything to me, and I love them all so much. It's not my career, seeing as I recently became a work from home mom. Yet I'm still miserable. Well, what in the world is wrong with me?
As I mentioned before, I turned to the LDS church more than I ever had before. I began reading church materials such as
- History of the Church
- History of Joseph Smith
- Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith
- Doctrines of Salvation by Joseph Fielding Smith
- Mormon Doctrine by Bruce R. McConkie
- Articles of Faith by James Talmage
- Journal of Discourses
- Church magazines
- Talks and quotes from various church prophets
1 Corinthians 14:33 For God is not the author of confusion but of peace, as in all the churches of the saints. (NKJV)
This is when I turned solely to the Bible to find the answers that I so desperately needed. I could not believe I was right. Most of what I was reading straight out of the Bible was completely contradicting what I had learned in the LDS church. I was desperately looking for the LDS doctrines to show up in the Bible. I could not believe what was happening. So many LDS teachings were nowhere in the Bible and I just kept turning page after page to find nothing. The truth is that I was unable to find several LDS tenets in the Bible. They just aren't there and that is a fact.
ALL of my answers are in the scriptures! Not the LDS scriptures, but exclusively the Bible!
John 5:39 You search the Scriptures, for in them you think you have eternal life; and these are they which testify of Me. (NKJV)
Acts 17:11 These were more fair-minded than those in Thessalonica, in that they received the word with all readiness, and searched the Scriptures daily to find out whether these things were so. (NKJV)
At this moment Jesus completely surrounded me. It's as if the whole world went black. I then had a spiritual connection with Christ unlike anything that I had ever felt before. He turned on the light for me and saved me! He opened my heart, mind, soul, and eyes. It was very clear that He was telling me the LDS church was confusing me. His answer was so clear that I cannot even explain it in words for anyone to understand. I felt so nervous I really had no idea what I was going to do next. When the Holy Ghost tells me to do something, I do it. But... How do I tell Ken? What do I do now? I was not looking to leave the LDS church. I was certainly not looking to find error with the LDS doctrines. Christ came looking for me. HE knew I was lost and that I needed HIM and only HIM.
I told Ken about my decision to resign from the church. This certainly did not go over well, but Christ saw us through. It was really bad timing on my part, and it was difficult for me to explain to him what was happening and that it wasn't my timing at all, but it was solely Christ. I told him that when the trek was over in June I was going to resign from the church. We were called as trek ma and pa, and I have always been one who follows through on my commitments.
The next day we discussed it further. Ken told me he understood how difficult it must have been for me to tell him my feelings. He was exactly right about that. He was not happy with my decision, but he would support me. He also explained to me that I should be released now, and I should not participate in the trek since I didn't believe in it. He was right again. I knew how excited he was to attend the trek, yet I also knew the youth needed someone else.
A very good friend recommended "One Nation Under Gods" by Richard Abanes, so I purchased it and began reading. It was extremely difficult to put down. I so desperately wanted answers, and I was finally getting them. Things were beginning to make complete sense. Everything was clearly black and white. There was absolutely no gray anymore. How peaceful this was for me! This book confirmed the horrible beliefs I was having about the LDS church. I later found out that some of my LDS friends have read this book and are still faithful in the LDS church. This is something I will never understand in this human life. Of course they tell me it is full of accusations or that it is taken out of context. Typical Mormon answers.... I know because these used to be my answers to the things I could not explain.
I met with the bishop to be released from all callings. This was so much easier than I had anticipated. I thought I would be nervous. Nope. I was 100% calm. I had many non LDS friends praying for me. He had a small discussion with me and of course, he was sad for me. He made sure I knew the LDS church had the keys to get into heaven. I just kept thinking --No it doesn't. Jesus has the keys to get into heaven.-- Anyway, he was only doing what he thought was right. I know he had the best intentions.
I continued my search for the Truth by researching, reading, studying, and praying. Nothing was confusing me anymore. Everything was so clear. In fact, it was clearer than it had ever been before. Not once did I waiver in my thoughts about the LDS church being false. I was 100% sure that I needed to resign and separate myself from the church. I knew it was time to make my life Christ centered instead of church centered. I know I have made the right decision, and I do not regret it one bit.
It was a very easy decision to mail my resignation letter to the bishop and church headquarters in Salt Lake City. What a wonderful feeling of being free. My life is about to change. Thank you, Jesus, for being my light and my life. Without You I would still be lost, confused, unhappy, depressed, and downright miserable. You are my Everything, my All in All. I am closer to You now than I ever have been before and it is so amazing! I never had that comfort as a Mormon. I know I had to go through all of this to get to where I am today, and I am so very grateful for that!